Hand of Sorrow
by RedgeandLilly
Summary: This is based off of my story Love and War. A short songfic showing what would have happening if he hadn't defied Jake... Song by Within Temptation. Vexic is an OC. of my friends.


_**The child without a name grew up to be the hand, to watch you, to shield you, or kill on demand . . .**_

The Andalite writhed in agony as I threw another memory at him. I know I am being unfair. I have seen his reasoning but I cannot agree. I draw another painful recollection from his mind feeling him wince as I do so. His words, those words that cut deeper than even his blade could have, echo in my mind once more and I play the memory ruthlessly ignoring his pain as he had ignored mine.

/You know I didn't want to!\\ He managed to gasp.

/Yes tell me Aximili. Tell me how you did it for me. To _protect me_.\\ I sneered the last two words. The words burned like poison.

I threw the memory at him again. The memory of the pain he had caused me. To my surprise it caused him more pain the most of the other memories I had tortured him with.

_**The choice he'd made he could not comprehend; his blood a grim secret they had to commend . . .**_

_His face is cold and his jaw set. It is a mockery of the kind face I had come to love. He meets my gaze, and there is no emotion in his eyes now. _

"_It's over Laura." I stagger back two steps. The world seems to have suddenly stopped spinning. _

"_What?" I whisper. How can this be? What is wrong with me? Am I so unlovable? _

"_I just can't do this anymore." He says turning his face away. I feel the tears trickle down my face, hear my breath hitch in not quite audible sobs. Some emotion is there again in his eyes and he wipes the tears from my face. He withdraws the hand quickly, taking a step back. _

"_Goodbye." He says. He walks away. Then when he is out of sight I finally allow myself to fall, grief overtaking me. _

/Please,\\ the Andalite begs. /I didn't want to do it. The others-\\

/Were listening? Yes I know. I can see it all. I'm in your head in case you've forgotten.\\

/Then you know how I feel. Even now with you torturing me within an inch of my sanity.\\

I laughed, a truly sinister sound indeed. He truly thought his declaration of love would buy him a reprieve.

/Yes I do. I also know you could have defied orders as I would have done for you. But no-\\ He shudders, feeling sick as the carnage of a thousand battles flashes before his eyes. /Aximili is a good little Aristh isn't he? Does exactly what Jake tells him to do right? Can't take the risk.\\ The Andalite is silent for once. He knows what I'm saying is the truth.

/Yes. I'm sorry. I should have-\\

/But you didn't.\\ Then I sent us both spiraling into hell.

_**He's torn between his honor and the true love of his life, he prayed for both but was denied. . . So many dreams were broken and so much was sacrificed, was it worth the ones we loved and had to leave behind, so many years have passed, who are the noble and the wise? Will all our sins be justified?**_

We stood on the bridge of the blade ship watching Earth's cities burn. Visser three's forces had made short work of the other Animorphs. Millions of Yeerks were now hosted in a matter of days when only a handful would have been under the pretense of secrecy. Visser three was expecting a promotion soon. I had surpassed Themrash in rank rising to Visser Twenty-Eight to his Visser Thirty-Six. Earth would soon fall. It would only be a matter of time before the Andalite world followed suit.

/Tell me Aximili, do you still love me?\\ He didn't say anything but I knew his answer, almost a lament at this point. Yes. He still loved me. He watched as the cities burned, as an entire race succumbed to my people, as we prepared to advance upon his people and loved me still.

/You are a fool Andalite.\\ He laughed.

/Oh I know.\\ He laughed again. I stared out at the charred remains of a once great species, and in the recesses of his mind Aximili- Esgarrouth-Isthil laughed.

_**The curse of his powers tormented his life, obeying the crown was a sinister price, his soul was tortured by love and by pain he surely would flee, but the oath made him stay he's torn between his honor and the true love of his life he prayed for both but was denied . . . **_

The Andalite is dreaming. It is a dream I have seen many times but I look anyway.

"_Do it Ax." There is no compassion in Prince Jake's face. No empathy for her pain, or for mine. I fight the odd thick sensation in my human throat. I do not meet his steely gaze. _

"_Yes my Prince." _

_**So many dreams were broken and so much was sacrificed, was it worth the ones we loved and had to leave behind, so many years have passed, who are the noble and the wise? Will all our sins be justified?  
**_

I do not know why, but this memory causes me the slightest twinge of remorse. It has been eight years since the day I had infested him and he still has not forgotten this memory. Eight years of cold indifference from me, eight years of mental siege, and he still feels guilt over this one thing. I have done far worse to him to gain retribution. Still he never forgets.

/You are a fool Aximili - Esgarrouth-Isthil.\\ I murmur softly to the sleeping Andalite. My words echo silently, heard only by me and not loud enough to wake the Andalite from his slumber.

Who was the fool really? The Andalite? Or perhaps I myself was the fool? After all I was the one feeling guilty for some errant thought that had crossed my mind. I recalled a saying I had learned from a previous host from a human writer named Eric Temple Bell; "Time makes fools of us all."

/Isn't that the truth.\\ I muttered and tried, unsuccessfully, to ignore the feelings that still nagged at me.

_**Please forgive me for the sorrow for leaving you in fear . . .For the dreams we had to silence, that's all they'll ever be . . .**_

We had finally broken through the Andalite defense perimeter. Our ships were landing on the planet. The casualties were expected to be high but even so a victory was being won here. Aximili was silent as he usually was these days. Had I really expected anything different? I supposed I should simply count myself lucky he didn't scream anymore. In fact he only did that occasionally…when I tortured him. Again the irrational guilt. Either the Andalite was too wrapped up in his own thoughts to notice, or simply didn't care, I was grateful he didn't decide to comment.

The first of the Andalites were being dragged to the pool. I felt the Andalite stir in the back of his mind. I hadn't noticed anything to trigger a response. I studied the Andalites closer and saw what had caused his sudden shift of attention. The Andalites were older yes, but still recognizable. It was his mother and father. The smaller one, I assumed must be his younger sister Sirena. He had never known her. Had only once briefly communicated with his father and learned of her existence.

/Vexic…\\ His voice was a plea. I couldn't. That was treason. And this was what I wanted right? Right?

Then why was it my voice that called to the Hork-Bajir?

/Bring the girl to me.\\ I nodded to the smallest Andalite. /I want to conduct this one personally.\\ I saw the two other's eyes widen as they recognized who I was. As they recognized _what_ I was.

The Hork-Bajir grabbed the small Andalite girl roughly. They dragged her to my blade ship not too far away. The shipboard pool should be empty at this time but if it wasn't my plan wouldn't work. When we boarded the pool was, thankfully, empty.

/Close your eyes.\\ I said to the girl in private thought-speak. I could only hope she did because moments later both Hork-Bajir were missing their heads. I retrieved a Dracon beam from one of them. The girl had opened her eyes and was staring at the fallen Hork-Bajir. I placed the Dracon beam in her hand. She stared at it as though it might bite her.

/If any Human, Hork-Bajir, or Andalite tries to grab you again you shoot first and ask questions later got it?\\

/Yes.\\ She said in a small voice.

/Now run.\\ She did. We watched her go. I stood in a pool of my own officer's blood/ Officers who'd died because I'd once again sided with an Andalite over my own people.

/I couldn't save all of them.\\ I said flatly.

/I know.\\ He said sadly. /Thank you Vexic.\\

_**Still I'll be the hand that serves you, though you'll not see that it is me…**_

Sirena-Sirinial-Ethereal. The young Andalite I'd saved turned out to be the bane of my existence. She grew. And she gathered followers to her cause. She gathered rebel Andalites, the remnants of the organization on Earth known as the Peace Movement now known as the EF. Worst of all she was actually a good leader for them.

Lately they had been taking down important players in the Yeerk/Andalite conflict. Vissers mostly but they had succeeded in assassinating a Council member. Their latest target? Me. Intelligence showed that Sirena had taken a personal interest in the case. After all it was her brother as the host body in question. Honor, hah! Andalites and their archaic rituals.

/They're not archaic. If you and I had gotten together you'd have to follow them to.\\

/Well I knew there had to be benefit to missing out somewhere.\\ I said trying to keep the edge of bitterness out of my voice. He caught it anyway.

/Vexic…\\

/Just… Just leave it alone Andalite.\\

_**So many dreams were broken and so much was sacrificed was it worth the ones we loved and had to leave behind? So many years have passed, who are the noble and the wise? Will all our sins be justified?**_

Each breath hurt. The Yeerk Empire was going to be minus a Visser soon. Inhale. Pain. Exhale. More pain. Blood is pooling beneath me, warm. I can feel it stick to the fur. It's getting harder to open my eyes. I want to retreat back into my head where there is no more pain but that means I'm giving up. I don't give up.

/It's okay Vexic.\\ The Andalite says.

/What?\\

/Let me do it. We'll leave _together_.\\ Why does that not seem like such a bad idea?

/But…\\

/Vexic.\\ And finally I let go. I let go of control. Of the hate, of the bitterness, of everything. And I am free. The pain is gone not taken on by Aximili as he offered but both of us freed from it simultaneously.

I see him then and we are two separate people in this moment. Not parasite and host, not Andalite and Yeerk. Just Vexic and Aximili. He smiles and holds out a hand.

/Lets Go.\\

I smile back and take his hand.


End file.
